Lemon Cakes

From A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin

George R. R. Martin's epic fantasy series A Song of Ice and Fire is notorious not only for its graphic violence and political intrigue but also for its loving and lengthy descriptions of food, with passages spanning several pages to describe one meal. They're really my kind of books! It's almost impossible to choose just one dish or treat, so I made a poll for you all to help me decide. It ended up being the closest poll in Geeky Chef history, Lemon Cakes beat out the Garlic and Herb Crusted Rack of Lamb and the Honey Cakes by just a few votes. Those of you who voted for other things, don't fret! You can still try out all the tasty options. There's an amazing site called The Inn at the Crossroads dedicated solely to the food of ASoIaF and historical cuisine, you should really give it a visit. As many of you probably know, Game of Thrones (the HBO television adaption of A Song of Ice and Fire) is about to begin its third season, and most of us have eagerly anticipated seeing our favorite characters again. I personally plan to make a feast to celebrate and my version of Sansa Stark's favorite dessert, Lemon Cakes, is on the menu. The Lemon Cakes are mentioned pretty often in the books, but not described in detail. My impression of them was that they were a sort of tea-time treat for young lords and ladies to enjoy. I pictured them being very rustic in appearance and having a dense, moist texture with intense lemon flavor. My cakes are just that, and baked with a sweetened lemon slice for garnish. I hope you like them!

On a related note: I recently attended WootStock with Wil Wheaton, Paul and Storm, and Adam Savage. It was amazing! During Paul and Storm's live set they treated us with a musical plea to George R. R. Martin to write faster, which I'm sure most of us can relate to. If you haven't seen it already, check out the official video.


Ingredients:

2 1/2 cups flour

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. baking soda

4 tbs. lemon zest

3/4 cup fresh lemon juice

1 cup butter, melted

1 cup buttermilk

2 1/2 cup sugar

2 eggs

2 lemons, thinly sliced and seeded


Directions:  Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Boil lemon slices for about 15 minutes in 1 cup of water and 1 cup of sugar. Grease a muffin tin with butter, vegetable oil or non-stick spray. In a mixing bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. In another bowl,  beat butter and 1 cup of sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs. Beat in 2 tablespoons of lemon juice. Beat in flour mixture and then buttermilk. Place 1 lemon slice in the bottom of each muffin cup. Divide batter between cups, pour over the lemon slices. Bake until cakes are firm and golden, about 15 to 20 minutes. Remove from oven and let cool. Mix together remaining lemon juice and sugar. Poke holes into the cakes, then slowly pour lemon and sugar mixture over the cakes so the juice gets absorbed into the cakes, let set for about 5-10 minutes. Remove cakes from muffin cups and serve lemon slice side up!

Beorn's Honey Cake

From The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

I'm super excited to present Geeky Chef's first submission post! This recipe was created by Alex Muensch (thank you, Alex!) and it was submitted just in time for the release of the new Hobbit movie based on the book by Tolkien. In The Hobbit, these cakes were made for Bilbo and the rest of the crew by the bear shapeshifter Beorn. The recipe is mostly a secret, except that everyone knows it contains honey like most of the foods Beornings eat. You know, cuz they're bears and bears eat honey... Get it? Beornings are known throughout Middle-Earth for their wonderful baking skills, but especially for their honey-cakes, which are almost as filling as Lembas Bread. However, they are supposed to make you very thirsty. Alex's recipe is delicious and full of honey flavor and sweet enough to make you really want a drink; It would make any Beorning proud. I know I'm going to make this and bring it with me when I see The Hobbit! I suggest you do the same.


Ingredients: 

 For the cake: 

 2 eggs

2/3 cup clover honey

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 1/2 cup all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

A small pinch of baking soda (to counter the honey's acidity)

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup heavy whipping cream


 For the frosting: 

 3/4 cup confectioner's sugar

1/2 stick unsalted butter

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 tablespoon honey

1 tablespoon heavy whipping cream

1/4 cup chopped toasted walnuts


Directions:
Preheat oven to 325 F. Grease a 8 or 9 inch cake pan. Beat eggs in a mixing bowl until thick. Add the honey and vanilla, mix well. Combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in another bowl. In three parts, add the dry mixture alternately with the cream to the egg mixture, beginning and ending with the dry mixture. Mix each addition well. Pour batter into pan. Bake for 30-40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Let cool. To make the frosting,  mix butter and sugar until creamed. Add vanilla, honey, and whipping cream and mix. Lastly, stir in walnuts. Spread the finished frosting on top of the cake once it is cooled.

Photo and recipe by Alex Muensch

Elixir Soup

From The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker

I have to say, this is my most requested recipe. I generally try to space out recipes that are from the same universe, but due to the popularity of this soup and the winter season AND the fact that I'm sorta sick and am totally considering finally beating Windwaker while I'm homebound... I figured now is the time. This soup is so delicious and nutritious I guarantee it will replenish all of your life energy and magic power. I have to admit, when I first saw the trailers and demos for Windwaker I was kind of disappointed. After the amazing and realistic (for the time) graphics of Ocarina of Time, I had wanted the new Zelda for the new Nintendo system to be even more stunning. Initially, I refused to play the game until a very wise friend of mine sat me down and made me play and it's now one of my favorite Zelda games, even the cell shading grew on me. If you have for any reason skipped this Zelda, do yourself a favor and give it a shot, you won't be dissapointed. In the game, this soup is given to Link by his Grandmother after he heals her with a fairy. Not only is this Link's favorite soup, it is pretty much the best consumable in the game because it heals both your life and magic bars and doubles Link's attack power. Goes to show, even in the enigmatic world of Hyrule, there's nothing like your Grandma's cooking!  My interpretation uses Vitamin C rich vegetables such as yellow squash, carrots and turnips combined with the indisputable healing powers of chicken broth and citrus and satiety effects of butter to create a delicious and flavorful soup that will make you feel invincible. Now THAT is one hearty soup!

Ingredients:

1lb Yellow Squash, chopped

6 tbsp Butter

2 Turnips, peeled and chopped

2 Carrots, chopped

1/4 Cup Cauliflower, chopped

1 medium Yellow Onion, chopped

4 tbs. Lemon Juice

4 Cups Chicken Broth (or Veggie Broth if vegetarian)

3 Garlic Cloves, minced or chopped fine

1 Yellow Chile, de-seeded and chopped (optional)

Salt and Pepper to taste

Chives or Green Onions, chopped fine


Directions:
Melt the butter in a large pot over medium-low heat, cook the yellow onion and garlic until softened, around 8-10 minutes. Add the squash, carrots, cauliflower, turnip, lemon juice, chile (if using) and half of the broth and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, then simmer, until vegetables are very tender, about 20 minutes. Remove from the heat and let cool for about 10 minutes or until soup won't burn you. Puree the soup in a blender or food processor until smooth (be careful with hot liquids) and transfer to the cleaned or a new pot. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Simmer on low until you serve, adding more broth until desired consistency. Put in your serving vessel (preferably a corked glass bottle) and add the copped chives or green onions to the surface of the soup for garnish. Drink it with a smile!

Fish Fingers and Custard

From the Doctor Who television series

Alright, Whovians, you got your wish! Fish Fingers and Custard, also known as Fish Custard, is a dish enjoyed by the 11th Doctor shortly after his regeneration. The dish has a sort of emotional relevance to the celebrated relationship between the Doctor and Amelia Pond, you can watch the complete scene here to see its introduction.  Fish Fingers and Custard does not seem like something a normal person might want too eat, not all of us are time lords with pregnancy-like food preferences. In reality, Matt Smith, the actor who plays the newest Doctor, was actually eating breaded coconut cakes during this scene. So, there were two possible options to make this idea palatable: you either make the fish fingers into some sort of pastry, or you make the custard into something savory that compliments fried fish. I have found many recipes already that make this dish into more of a dessert (I recommend this one if you want to go that route) but I have never been one to go sweet unless the dish was intended to be a dessert, so I decided to make a savory version. My recipe pairs a panko and coconut battered fried fish finger (coconut added as tribute to the reality of the scene) and tangy lemon honey mustard dipping sauce (that basically looks like custard) which compliments it perfectly.

Ingredients:

For the fish fingers:

1/2 cup flour

2 eggs

1 tbs. milk

1lb tilapia filets, cut into 1 inch strips (cod or haddock will also work)

1 cup of panko breadcrumbs

1 cup of coconut flakes

Frying oil (how much depends on the size of your pan)

Salt and Pepper to taste


For the custard:

1/2 cup mayonnaise

2 tbsps yellow mustard (prepared)

1 tbsp dijon mustard

2 tbsps honey

1 tbsp lemon juice

2 cloves minced garlic


Directions:
Make sure fish is cut into 1 inch thick strips.  Combine the flour, salt, and pepper in a shallow bowl.  Beat the eggs with the milk in another shallow bowl.  Mix the breadcrumbs and coconut  in a third shallow bowl.  Coat each fish piece in seasoned flour, dip in the eggs mixture and then roll in the panko and coconut mixture.  Set aside until ready to cook. Heat 1/2 inch of oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat.  In small batches, fry the fish sticks until golden brown, about 2 minutes per side.  Drain on a paper towel-lined plate.  To make the custard sauce simply combine all ingredients together and mix thoroughly. Liberally dip fish fingers in the custard sauce and enjoy!

Cellular Peptide Cake with Mint Frosting

From the Star Trek: The Next Generation television series

Some of you might assume the Geeky Chef has mad cake decorating skillz. Not so. I have horrible, sloppy cake decorating skills with an "s" instead of a "z."  However, I am quite proud of how this cake turned out. Even if your own cake decorating skill(s/z) are not so great, I guarantee you can pull this cake off. Now, I am a huge vulcan-saluting, prime-directive-abiding, starfleet-loving trekkie. The Next Generation is my favorite Star Trek series, and Phantasms is one of my very favorite episodes in the series. In the episode the android Data has a program installed in his positronic brain so he can dream like a human. Apparently, androids do not dream of electric sheep, they dream of Deanna Troi cakes and brain slurpees.  The cake is described by an uncharacteristically excited Worf as a "cellular peptide cake with mint frosting." The dream sequence is a delve into surrealism, jarringly unusual for the series, and it is absolutely hilarious. Here's a clip of what in my opinion is the best two and half minutes of Star Trek history. Cellular peptide isn't actually a thing, but it is described in the episode as a chain of molecules found in living things. The recipe I made is for a yummy moist white cake with some very blue mint flavored frosting. I used yogurt as a moistener for the cake itself because yogurt contains living bacteria. You can also go the lazy route and just buy pre-made white cake and pre-made frosting and add some mint extract to the frosting; The point is really to make the cake look like Deanna's starfleet uniform. Whether you make it from scratch or buy it pre-made, the cake will be mmmm... delicious.

Ingredients:

For the cake:

2 3/4 cups flour

1 2/3 cups sugar

1 tablespoon baking powder

3/4 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup softened unsalted butter

4 eggs whites

1 egg

1 cup vanilla yogurt

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1 teaspoon almond extract


For the frosting:

1 1/2 c. confectioners sugar

2 tbsp. milk

1 tbsp. shortening

1/2 tsp. vanilla

1/8 tsp. mint or peppermint extract or to taste

blue food coloring

black food coloring or use one of these methods to make black frosting


Directions:
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Mix all of the dry ingredients. Add the softened butter and mix until crumbly. Add the egg whites, then the whole egg. Beat well. In a separate bowl whisk the yogurt with the two extracts. Add this mixture to the batter. Beat until fluffy. Pour the batter into a small square baking pan. Bake for 30-40 minutes or until a knife or toothpick inserted into the center will come out clean when done. Let the cake cool and set. While it sets, you should prepare the frosting. Mix all the frosting ingredients in the order listed in small bowl. Beat until you reach a creamy consistency. Add more sugar if the frosting is too thin. Split the frosting into two bowls. In one bowl, add the blue food coloring. You will need a lot to get a deep blue. In the other bowl, mix in the black food coloring. Cut off part of the sides to make a T or torso shape. Emulate this picture when frosting.

Peeta's Cheesey Buns

From The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

Here it is folks! Peeta Mallark's famous cheesey buns! Suzanne Collin's young adult trilogy has gained a lot of popularity lately after the release of the film version. It has been praised for its emotionally compelling storyline, character development and strong female protagonist. Due to it's themes of starvation and deprivation, Hunger Games often has extremely detailed and loving descriptions of food, making it one of Geeky Chef's favorite YA novels. There are so many dishes in Hunger Games that make your mouth water just reading about them that I wasn't sure where to start, so I called a vote. I was not surprised that Cheesey Buns won out. Not only are they delicious cheesey carbs (which, let's face it, everyone loves) they are also a favorite of Katniss and are baked for her by her love interest, Peeta. In comparison with the quality of food most people in District 12 are used to, these buns are certainly decadent and rich. In the book Catching Fire, Katniss describes these buns as soft bread with cheese baked on top, a bit greasy and messy to eat. I made a fluffy pull-apart bun, with a mixture of sharp cheddar and gruyere both inside the bun and on top as described in the book.  Working with dough and is not an easy thing to do, so be careful to make sure your dough is a good consistency... And may the odds be ever in your favor!

Ingredients:

3 cups flour

1 packet active dry yeast

1 tbs sugar

1 tsp salt

3/4 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese

3/4 cup shredded gruyere cheese

1/2 cup warm milk

1/2 cup warm water

1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil

3 tbs cup butter, melted

Directions: 

Preheat your oven to 375º Fahrenheit. Grease a small pan. Combine 1 1/2 cups flour, sugar, salt and the yeast in a large mixing bowl, thoroughly mix. Toss in 1/2 cup of each cheese. Add the warm milk, warm water and the oil. Beat for about 5 minutes. Gradually stir in the rest of the flour until you have a soft dough. Put dough on a floured board. Knead the dough until it is elastic and not sticky, adding more flour if necessary. Place in a greased bowl and then flip the dough over to grease the other side. Cover the dough with plastic wrap. Let the dough rise in a warm environment for approximately one half hour. Punch the dough down, cover again and let rest for 10 more minutes. Cut dough into 20 separate pieces. Shape each into a sphere. Dip each ball in melted butter. Arrange balls in two layers in the small well greased pan. Cover with a paper towel. Let rise in warm place until balls are almost to top of pan, about one hour. Sprinkle the remaining cheeses over the rolls. Bake on the lower rack of a preheated 375°F oven for about 35 minutes or until rolls are firm and golden. Let cool for 5 minutes and enjoy!!

Sweetroll

From The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim video game

In honor of what many geeks consider to be the best game of 2011, I asked you guys which Skyrim food I should make a recipe for, and you guys chose the sweetroll! Although there's a plethora of interesting foods in Skyrim, I really wasn't surprised that sweetrolls won. The appearance of sweetrolls in Bethesda games has been a running gag for most of the developers run, appearing in all of the games in the Elder Scrolls series, as well as Fallout 3.  They look different from game to game, taking on a very large mountainous shape in Skyrim. I pondered at how to achieve the most accurate size and shape for these delicious treats without anyone having to purchase any special mold. I found that the best way to Fus Ro Dah yourself up some sweetroll is to bake the rolls in a glass measuring cup, so you'll need an oven-safe 16oz measuring cup (such as Pyrex) to do this. It is never really divulged what ingredients are in a sweet roll but most would agree that it seems to be similar to a cinnamon bun. I went with a simple cinnamon bun cake recipe with cream cheese icing, and it is delicious. I suggest baking them on your day off before you begin playing for 15 hours straight and ignoring everything else you probably should be doing. I used to play Skyrim for 15 hours straight, until I took an arrow... OKAY, I won't. Make sure no one steals your sweetroll!

Ingredients:

For the cake:

1 1/2 cups flour

1/2 cup sugar

1/3 cup milk

1 egg

2 tsp. vanilla extract

2 tsp. baking powder

pinch of salt

2 tbs. cinnamon

1/4 cup butter, melted


For the filling:

1/4 cup butter, softened

1/4 cup brown sugar

1 Tbsp. cinnamon

1/2 cup chopped pecans


For the icing:

1/4 cup cream cheese, softened

2 tablespoons milk

1 1/2 cups powdered sugar


Directions:
This recipe makes two sweet rolls. Depending on how many oven-safe measuring cups you have, you can either make one at a time or both at once. Preheat oven to 350. Mix dry cake ingredients together. Separately, mix wet cake ingredients together. Add wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and mix thoroughly. Spray your oven-safe glass measuring cup with non-stick cooking spray. Add your batter to the measuring cup to the 1 cup or the 1 1/2 cup line, depending on how tall you want it.  Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes or until your can stick in a knife and it comes out clean. Remove measuring cup from the oven. Let the cake cool. Once cake is cool, remove it from the measuring cup carefully so it does not break. The cake is going to be upside down (so the wider part is at the bottom) and may be awkwardly rounded on the bottom side. To fix this, simply cut off the rounded bottom with a knife to make it level. Set the cake down with the wider leveled side on the bottom. Use a spoon or fork to carve a hole at the top of the cake, this is where you will put the filling. To make the filling mix together the butter, pecans, cinnamon and brown sugar. Stuff the mixture into the hole you created. For the icing, whisk together the softened cream cheese, powdered sugar and milk until smooth and thick. Gently pour the icing on top of the cake. Serve or have it all to yourself! Remember, in Skyrim, stealing a sweetroll is punishable by a night in jail.

Chu Jelly

From the Legend of Zelda Series by Nintendo

As most of you nerds probably know, later this month the latest Zelda title Skyward Sword will be released for the Wii! A while back I started a poll asking my readers which new Zelda recipe they'd like to see for the coming release of the game, and to my surprise, Chu Jelly won! The three other options included Elixir Soup, Rock Sirloin and Lon Lon Milk. I had a good idea at what I'd do for all four scenarios, and not to worry, I do plan to make them all in time. A girl's gotta save some love for future Zelda releases! I want to thank those of you who helped brainstorm over how to make Chu Jelly a reality on the Facebook page, there were some really great ideas being thrown around which I've tried to blend and incorporate into the final product. As Zelda fans will know, Chu Jelly is an edible bottle item in some of the newer Zelda titles. The jelly is obtained by defeating Chus or ChuChus, a sort of blob-like enemy which usually hangs out in dark damp areas like caves and dungeons.  Different color Chu Jellies do different things, but typically restore Link's magic or health. Yellow Chu Jelly can be used as lantern oil, and is a life saver for our boy Link if he is stuck in a dark place. I've decided to go with a homemade jello recipe, including fruit juice to act as a sort of healthy restorative and tonic water to make the jelly UV reactive. This is definitely one of the easiest recipes to put together. Seriously, a creepy mentally stunted man-fairy could do it. However, it requires purchasing a suitable bottle for better accuracy and fun. You can find many different kinds of glass bottles online, I suggest finding one on Etsy. Or you could, I dunno, find some "special chickens" for a dude that looks suspiciously like Mario, but really Etsy is way easier. Also, in order for the jelly to glow when exposed to a black light, tonic water is needed. Tonic water has a bitter taste, so it can be substituted with regular water if taste is bigger priority to you than UV reactive jelly. On the 20th when Skyward Sword is released, you can have yourself a veritable Zelda feast and also put together some of Yeto's Pumpkin Soup and Chateau Romani for the occasion. Happy gaming adventures, Hylians! 

Ingredients

3 cups Fruit Juice (I used Passionfruit but any juice will do, Apple will make it more transparent)

1 cup Tonic Water (regular water can substituted if you don't want the bitterness, but tonic water will make the jelly glow in a black light!)

Food Dyes (the colors of the Chu Jelly you want to emulate)

4 packets Gelatin

Honey or other sweetener (optional)

A glass pitcher or funnel


Directions
Make sure you have all your ingredients ready and accessible, because we are working with hot liquid and time-senstive gelatin. Bring your juice and tonic water to a boil. If you are adding sweetener to the mix to mask the tonic taste, add it as it boils. After the liquid has reached a boil, SLOWLY stir in the gelatin with a wooden spoon, careful not to add too much at once or it may clump. Pour the liquid into the pitcher. Add the liquid from the pitcher to your bottles. If you are using a funnel, funnel the liquid directly into your bottles. Add a few drops of the food coloring you want for that particular bottle into the liquid, and stir until the color is consistent throughout the bottle. Once the bottles look right, refrigerate them for about two hours or until the jelly has become a more jelly-like texture. Your can eat your jelly with a spoon, or you can stir the jelly up, add a small amount of additional juice, and drink it like Link. Also, no one tells you in the game, but Chu Jelly tastes totally great with whipped cream. Whip yourself up some Lon Lon cream and put it on top!

Chocolate Salty Balls

From the South Park television series

I have always tried to keep this blog kid-friendly, but this is one of those things I just can't avoid forever. In honor of Isaac Hayes, I decided to create a Chocolate Salty Balls recipe using the ingredients from the song. I apologize in advance for any offense. Parents, please forgive me, and avert your children's eyes if you must. If you've been doing your job your kid won't get the joke anyway. South Park has always been a very controversial show, with topics that range from offensive to just plain disgusting. But, unlike many other similar television cartoon shows (I won't name which) it actually always has something to say, though the message may not be agreeable for everyone. Throughout it's 17 seasons the show has slowly evolved from a silly immature cartoon into a genuine satire, with honest and occasionally virtuous messages imbedded amongst the crude humor. Additional to decent writing, it has won the respect of many nerds everywhere with detailed references to such geeky things as World of Warcraft, Batman and Star Trek. One week from today is the three year anniversary of the death of Isaac Hayes, a talented and influential soul singer, and the man who voiced the beloved South Park character called Chef. Chef was the portly and promiscuous cafeteria cook for the first 10 seasons of the show. As one one of the more kind and down-to-earth characters, his advice was often sought by the four protagonists... though his advice generally manifested itself in totally inappropriate and non-relevant soul songs. The recipe I have for you today comes from one of those comedic misguided soul songs, probably the most popular song from the show, titled "Chocolate Salty Balls." You can listen here, or read here, but I warn you it's totally NSFW (or for the squeamish, or easily offended, OR children). The song basically describes a recipe for a salty spherical pastry to um, well... to suck on. Despite the obvious metaphor here, I thought a salty chocolate pastry sounded pretty darn good... and guess what? I was right! Chef's balls are delicious!


Ingredients

2/3 cup salted butter

1 1/2 cups sugar

1/4 cup brandy

4 cups semisweet chocolate chips

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

4 eggs

2 tablespoons cinnamon

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon table salt

Coarse sea salt, to taste


Directions
In a saucepan, bring the butter, sugar and brandy to a boil, stirring constantly. Remove from the heat. Stir (with a wooden spoon) in 2 cups of chocolate chips until melted. Remember to give that spoon a lick! Cool mixture slightly. Stir in vanilla. In a large mixing bowl, beat the eggs. Gradually add the chocolate mixture and mix well. Combine the flour, baking soda and salt, then gradually add the dry ingredients to the chocolate mixture. Stir in any remaining chocolate chips. Spread into a greased baking pan. Bake at 325 degrees for 35-45 minutes or until a fork inserted in the center comes out clean. Careful not to burn your balls! Let cool just enough that it won't burn your hands. Meanwhile set up a small plate or cutting board with some of the sea salt on it. Scrape up the brownie mix, working around the edges. You don't want to use the hard edges for the balls. Begin shaping 1″ balls out of the mix, give or take in size. Roll the balls in the salt. Do this very lightly (I suggest you do NOT try to emulate the picture), a little sea salt goes a very long way.  If you do happen to oversalt, just brush the excess salt crystals off. Too much salt is bad, mmmkay? You're done, put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em!

Scrab Cakes

From the Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee video game

In Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee you play as a slave worker at a meat processing factory called Rupture Farms, and you just found out your people are next in line to become a new Rupture Farms treat. As Abe, the Mudokon slave worker, you try to escape the factory while freeing as much Mudokons as you can along the way before you head out on your quest to bring down Rupture Farms and restore your people. Abe's Oddysee is a very underplayed game. It has a compelling story, dark and mysterious game design, a sense of humor, and challenging gameplay. I highly recommend it to anyone with an appetite for the slightly twisted. Speaking of appetites for the slightly twisted, our new recipe is for Scrab Cakes, one of the many morally questionable food products mass-produced by Rupture Farms. Made from violent but sacred creatures called Scrabs, the cakes are depicted as being a meat patty with a gooey green filling and a zigzag of some sort of orange sauce on top. In my recipe I've substituted Scrab meat for crab meat, for moral reasons. The cakes themselves are extremely flavorful, stuffed with spinach and avocado to act as the mysterious green filling, and a sort of simple spicy rémoulade to emulate the orange sauce on top. All of that delicious and nutritious scrab meat flavor, with (almost) none of the guilt. Unless you have a shellfish thing... In which case I'm truly sorry for your loss.


Ingredients

1 1/2 c. crabmeat

2/3 c. breadcrumbs

1 1/2 tsp. mustard

2 tbs. mayonnaise

1/3 c. shredded romano cheese

1 egg

1 clove garlic, finely chopped

1/2 tsp. worcheshire sauce

1 tbs. chopped scallion or shallots

1 lemon

1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper

Butter or olive oil

2 c. spinach, chopped

1 avocado, chopped

Hot sauce of your choice


Directions:
In a pan, sweat chosen onion and garlic in butter or olive oil for a few minutes. In a mixing bowl, combine the onion, garlic, bread crumbs, cheese, 1 1/2 tbs. of the mayonnaise, 1/2 the lemon juice, cayenne, mustard, egg, salt and crab. Combine chopped avocado and spinach, and toss with half of the remaining lemon juice. If it seems too wet add more flour, if it seems too dry add more condiments. Form 4-6 flat circular medallions with half the crab mixture. Place the spinach/avocado mixture in the center of each medallion. Pat the remaining crab mixture on the top of each medallion, covering the spinach and avocado. Pat the cakes into a patty shape. Chill the cakes for about an hour. In a large pan, heat butter or oil over medium heat. Add crab cakes and cook for about 4 minutes on each side or until browned. Let cool slightly. While cooling, make your rémoulade by mixing the remaining mayonnaise, lemon juice and hot sauce together. Drizzle the sauce in a zigzag on each of your cakes. Take pictures, then eat.



A little hard work never killed anyone important.                                                                                       The profits justify the means.                                                                                                            Only 1,236 work related accidents this month, keep up the good work!                                                                           Decapitation toll cut in half!                                                                         Don't play with your food unless it plays with you first.                                                                         Work hard, die young.                                                                         You are who you eat.                                                                           Mudokons entering this door will be slaughtered and packaged as disgusting yet yummy novelty meat products.